Memories From Dysfunction Junction

Memories From Dysfunction Junction
Memories From Dysfunction Junction

This morning was the monthly meeting of the Book Club I recently joined.  I genuinely look forward to Book Club Saturdays, for a couple of reasons:

1.  I get some sort of junk food for breakfast.  We meet at either a local pastry shop or McDonald’s.  Unhealthy yumminess!

2.  I love having people to talk to about books.  At one point in my life, I was surrounded by book readers, but that has faded away, and to be reintroduced to book readers makes me a happy camper.

Back to today’s Book Club.  We’d read “A Wolf At the Table” by Augusten Burroughs.  I love Augusten Burroughs, and have since about the second page of “Running With Scissors”.  He finds humor in darkness, he’s damaged, he’s realistic.  He’s a survivor.  Mostly, though, I love him because I can relate to so many of the emotions and quirks that he so openly exposes, because I, too, was raised in an abundance of weirdness.  My mother was pretty much a nut case.

Now, let me clarify:  I never spent a night curled in a closet, afraid for my life.  I never went to school covered with bruises.  My mother never (seriously) threatened to kill me.  She was only 5 ft. tall, and probably only topped 100 lbs. when she was 9 months pregnant, so she wasn’t very intimidating physically.  She was more like a psychological / emotional destruct-o-saur.  Decades later, my siblings and I still tell “Mary Juanita” stories at family get togethers, and our own children look at us incredulously.  I’m sure they wonder if we’re making this stuff up….and wonder why we’re laughing our butts off.  We laugh because we can.

In honor of the millions of adults who were, as children, surrounded by weirdness (I truly believe there must be millions), I’d like to give you a tiny glimpse of life in Mary Juanita Land.

When my mother was young, she was an exceptionally beautiful woman.  The years were not kind to her, thanks to lots of cigarettes and even more bourbon, but she had been graced with a lovely face.  I think that she spent much of her life torturing herself with “what ifs”, meaning, she fantasized that if she hadn’t gotten married and had a covey of children, she might have gone on to a glamorous existence.  Or maybe not.  Who knows.  Anyway, the point is, she LOVED watching the Miss America pageant.  She’d pick her favorites, and predict who would make the cut to the next round.  She was quite good at anticipating what the judges would appreciate, because she was normally right on the money with her selections.

And she would cry.  Cry?  Yes, she would cry.  Why would Miss America make a grown woman cry, you ask?  Because Mary Juanita couldn’t understand why God gave her ugly daughters.  She had prayed for pretty daughters, but apparently God didn’t find her worthy. She talked about how proud the mothers of the contestants must be, a pride she apparently would never know.

Every year.

Do you want to know what the WEIRDEST part of this story is?  Her daughters continued to watch this pageant with her .  Every year. Then listen to her cry about her disappointment over our lack of acceptable beauty.  Why did we do this to ourselves?  We have no idea.  Do we laugh about this now?  Of course we do.

There are many, many Mary Juanita stories.  Some are darker than others.  Some are just plainly hysterical.  Someday I may write all of them down……the night she drunkenly mistook a sidewalk for the street and nearly killed a group of teenagers that were walking home…..the time I knocked her down a flight of stairs and thought I’d killed her……her decision to “go on strike” until her family appreciated her, and demonstrating her resolve by spray painting her demands on the living room wall…..the year she gave me, her 13 year old daughter, a black & red lace negligee for Christmas, complete with matching g-string…..

I learned volumes from my Mother.  How to cope, how to laugh…… and how important it was for my daughters to know they were beautiful.

I can see very well

There’s a boat on the reef with a broken back

And I can see it very well

There’s a joke and I know it very well

It’s one of those that I told you long ago

Take my word I’m a madman don’t you know ~Bernie Taupin

Mary Juanita

Put A Label On It

Put A Label On It
Put A Label On It

In the past year, asking about my political leanings has been a pretty common conversation starter for friends and acquaintances.  I thought it would taper off after November’s elections, but here we are in February, and it’s still a pretty hot topic.

Am I a conservative?  Democrat?  Independent? Republican?  Liberal?

I’m all and none of those things.  I think most people are like me.  Life, liberty, pursuit of happiness….all the while knowing that life isn’t fair and there are no guarantees.

I believe in second chances.  There are so many young adults who were not encouraged to be all they could be; or simply made poor choices in their youth.  As a nation, we need to provide those people an opportunity to make something of themselves. A hand up in the form of food stamps, medical care, subsidized housing, job training, and subsidized daycare are investments in our nation’s future.

I believe just as strongly in personal responsibility.  If you choose to not better yourself after given an opportunity to do so, then you must live with the consequences of your choices.  If you’re seeking assistance with any of those aforementioned basic needs for your family, and choose to not take advantage of job training or placement, you’ve got 6 months to figure it out, because the public benefits will go away.  If you choose to have a child when you don’t have the means to pay for medical bills or groceries or diapers, that is your choice and your consequence; no additional funds for additional kids.  If you’re receiving government assistance in any form, any tax refund you receive should pay back that assistance.

I think everyone should pay their fair share of taxes. There should be tax benefits for those who invest in their retirement, build businesses, and bring jobs to this country rather than overseas.  There should be benefits for business that provide employment for military veterans. Oh, and how about some incentives for manufacturing in this country? I also think there are veterans and seniors who have already paid their debt to this nation, and they should not be penalized for poor management of Social Security and military pension funds.

I think that people who have come to this country illegally as adults should leave.  If a child was brought here illegally by parents or others, there should be an option for receiving residency as adults.  I believe that immigrants to our country were the backbone to our nation’s greatness.  Let’s face it, with the exception of the proud Native Americans, all of our roots sprouted on foreign soil.  Yet, if an immigrant doesn’t have enough respect for this country to follow its laws and the required process for the privilege of living here, then get out.

I think people should be free to marry whomever they choose.  Churches do not need to recognize unions that are against their beliefs, but the government should.  Don’t want to call it “marriage”?  Fine, then make a blanket “union” definition for the government.

I believe in the death penalty, and think the myriad of red tape and endless appeals need to be done away with.  No waiting on Death Row for 20 years; be done with it.  If there were public executions for certain offenses, I’d attend.  Put it on Pay Per View, and let the revenue pay some of the legal costs incurred by these people.

While we’re at it, I think prisoners should shoulder some responsibility for their upkeep.  Why should services be lacking for our communities when there are able bodied people being supported by taxpayers?  There shouldn’t be a park that can’t be maintained, a school without a playground constructed, a highway that needs trash picked up, or a community center that needs paint.

I believe our military should be well funded, well equipped, and well compensated.  There is no “fair” wage for people who willingly leave their families and risk their lives to protect our country, but a decent wage, educational benefits, and unwavering support from America is a good start.

I believe in the 2nd Amendment, but would like to see some requirements for owning certain types of firearms.  At one time we didn’t require licenses to drive cars, either, but as they got bigger and faster, common sense dictated that people learn to operate them lest they hurt someone else by their ignorance.  There are just too many jackasses with bad intentions.  Evil is inherent in the human race, and will never be eliminated, but it can be thwarted.  After all, if there’s no way to stop evil, we may as well eliminate law enforcement and military.

I think political correctness is ridiculous.  Everyone should be allowed to celebrate their religious beliefs, their cultures, and their holidays.  Don’t like it?  Don’t look.  Don’t participate.  The Pledge of Allegiance belongs in our country’s schools.  If that is offensive, then don’t live here.  As far as prayer in schools, I saw a bumper sticker that summed up my beliefs perfectly:  As long as there are math tests, there will be prayer in schools.

I believe in charity, kindness, decency, redemption, ambition, volunteerism, civic pride, and tolerance….but, like all the truly important things in my life, those can’t be legislated.

So what’s my label?  How about “American”?  No matter race, religion, politics, or education, are we really that different?Flags

Legislating Insanity

Legislating Insanity

The heated debate over gun control in the aftermath of the Sandy Hook event has left me nothing short of bewildered.  See, I am not a “gun person”.  I am not an “anti-gun” person.  I have fired guns, I respect guns, and I understand the reasons for guns.  I don’t own any, because I don’t see a need to.  I don’t hunt, I don’t target shoot, and my personal protection is entrusted to a combined 300 lbs. of dog.

I don’t know much about different types of guns.  I don’t clearly understand the definitions of “assault weapons”, or which ammunition is the most destructive.  In conversation with friends and acquaintances, this lack of knowledge seems to define me as naïve, ignorant, moronic, or a card carrying Democrat.  I’m none of those things, I just have never had an interest in guns.

I do have concern over massacres happening in our schools and malls and movie theaters and workplaces.  Like everyone, I hope there is a way to prevent, or at least minimize, these horrendous acts.  I realize that nothing is foolproof, and that evil and/or unstable people will always pose a risk to others.

One thing I’ve learned about this gun issue is that each side is passionate about it.  I am having a difficult time sorting out facts from hype.  I suppose the good news about being the ignorant one on the issue is that I am forced to fact check for myself.  So far, my verification efforts have given me only a few solid pieces of data:

  • No one is trying to outlaw firearms entirely;
  • Most gun enthusiasts are responsible, educated, and cautious people;
  • Hitler never outlawed guns, contrary to the many emails I receive warning me about history repeating itself;
  • “No guns” does not equal “no violence”; and
  • Mentally unstable people don’t have a tattoo on their forehead identifying themselves as such, making it impossible to keep weapons out of their hands.

So, my attempt at understanding the issues has left me with more questions than answers.

Until I thought about Pitbulls.  Then it all made sense.

What I lack in firearm knowledge, I make up for in canine knowledge.  Therefore, when certain governing bodies began passing bans on pitbull ownership, I had an opinion.  I had quite a passionate opinion. My opinion was that people who supported the ban were naïve, ignorant, moronic, or a card carrying PETA member.

The similarities between the issues are pretty intriguing once you stop to think about it.

Innocent people, including small children, were being mauled or killed at a sickeningly increasing rate by dogs identified as pitbulls.  Like everyone, I was horrified at each story of a dog attack; but never, not once, did I blame the dogs.  I blamed the owners for every single circumstance.  Responsible owners kept their dogs safely contained.  Responsible owners trained their dogs.  Responsible owners socialized their dogs, and would never tolerate an animal showing aggression toward a human.  Responsible owners never left small children unattended with a dog.

Forget that there is no solid definition of a “pitbull”, it seemed that any dog with a short muzzle was suddenly a confirmed man-eater.  People whom I knew to be intelligent could not recognize the fact that owners of the dogs were the issue, not the dogs themselves.  I tried to wrap my head around reasonable people thinking they were safer by abolishing a breed of dog.  When I asked people what would happen when reprehensible humans transitioned from “pitbull” owners to Brazilian Mastiff owners or Akita owners, they responded with false and disjointed facts about the superior bite force of a “pitbull”.  People who didn’t even know what qualified as a “pitbull” were authoritatively stating that these monsters had the same PSI bite force as a lion.  I was incredulous….and livid that fear mongering and stupidity were actually resulting in breed bans being passed in community after community.

At the time, I was the proud owner of a beautiful American Staffordshire Terrier, a noble breed that has played a major role in creating the mixed dogs called “Pitbulls”.  Her official name was Lady Harlequin Snortalot, because she was elegant in appearance, intelligent in behavior, intimidating as a protector, and a big bouncy goofball of a dog.  We called her Harley.  She was a sweet companion, and totally devoted to our 2 year old granddaughter.  Yet, people were immediately terrified of her when they would see us walking.  Her tail would wag as a child approached, only to have a frantic adult practically dislocate the child’s shoulder pulling them away.

To me, it was so very plain to see that the breed wasn’t at fault, and that by banning the breed nothing would be accomplished.  Bad people would begin gravitating to another “badass” dog, mistreat them, misuse them, breed them, and so on and so forth.  Instead, why not strictly enforce existing laws about pets running loose?  Why not make the owners financially and criminally liable for damage done by their dog?  Why not  come down hard on animal abuse, which is absolutely in existence before any animal becomes vicious?

In other words, why not use common sense instead of knee jerk mob mentality?

So, I don’t know much about guns, but if I replace “guns” with “pitbulls”, I have a much clearer picture of the situation.

Guns are not the danger.  People are the danger.  Once again, it’s time for common sense.

Lady Harlequin Snortalot